Wow. I’ve been meaning to write about my injury for some time now — I truthfully attribute the delay in writing to my personal need to spin most everything into something positive. That doesn’t mean that I have nothing positive to report, in fact, it’s quite the contrary, but I have to admit I’m still struggling with what I’ll call an injury hangover.
It’s sorta hard to believe it’s been OVER a year since I’ve been a functioning violist. The toll that’s been taken on my musical self esteem and career seem monstrous, and with full disclosure, I’m bitter. I’m experiencing feelings of doubt and fear that I’ve never dealt with before, I watch my friends with envy, and am brought to tears when I think of the rich EXPERIENCES I’ve been unable to cash in on. They mean everything to me. And in a couple of weeks, my orchestra is going on a European Tour without me. It really, really stings.
I feel weak in my heart and a swelling in my abdomen when I allow myself to think like that.
So, I force myself to think of the positives.
I have an amazing occupational therapist, Stephanie Davies, who cares about my recovery, and about ME. Her dedication to my rehabilitation is inspiring and gives me hope and strength. She is helping me, and I’m happy to report, I have minimal shoulder pain these days. She is an incredible human being. I have dear friends who are constantly checking in on me, and a string quartet that is unyieldingly supportive and patient. My family is pretty awesome too.
And then there is all the stuff I can literally take with me: A stronger core and shoulder blades (!), a detailed understanding of how my body operates at “neutral”, an understanding of what life is like without an instrument in my hand, and an insatiable hunger to play all of the music I’ve listened to this past year.
And of course, I have my families. My kiddos, and their incredible parents. My students are uninhibited, fearless, and inspiring. Their parents are friends. I leave teaching in a better mood than when I came every. single. day.
There is plenty to be happy about.
So why is it still so hard? I’m not sure. Probably because an entire year without making music is a pretty big deal. It changes you. It does. And it sucks. It sucks so much.
But I’m hoping the worst of it is over. And soon, I’ll be free to say what I want to say, and give all that I want to give. And if I’m lucky, people will still want to listen.